What Did We Ever Do To Fantasy Football Analysts??

I, just like every other red-blooded American male between the ages of 16-45, am completely obsessed with Fantasy sports. The heroin of Fantasy is obviously Fantasy Football, of which I’m a slightly recovering addict. Just a few short, harrowing years ago I was the kind of guy who would be in two or three leagues with family and friends…and then sign up for three more leagues with a bunch of randos. Why do such a thing you ask? Simple; when you are looking for that intense high of drafting a fantasy roster we all know that mock drafts are just dick teases. The only real way for guys like us to get off is to have a full-fledged draft, even though you’re then stuck in a league with 9-11 other psychopaths like yourself. With the help of my loved ones, and a small court-ordered mandate, I now limit myself to three leagues and have less gray hair showing up in my beard each season.

Here’s my issue, what the fuck is wrong with every “analyst” that writes these weekly updates for fantasy players? Outside of maybe the top 5-10 overall players each and every fucking player has the most horrific blurb written about their upcoming match-ups. Deciding between Pierre Garcon and Brandin Cooks for your FLEX slot this week? Well; “Garcon may be one of Garoppolo’s top targets coming into this game but BUYER BEWARE!! We heard from a voodoo priestess from New Orleans that Garcon’s great-great-grandfather was cursed by a toad spirit. Don’t expect more than a few catches this week, as Garcon is a high risk WR4”. Or; “Cooks may have went off for 248 yards and 3 TDs last week, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of safety. Even though Cooks is on pace to double his career highs in every stat column, this streaky WR is going up against a corner that likes to wear knee high socks. In his only match up against a corner wearing knee high socks, back during his sophomore year of high school, Cooks only had two receptions for 18 yards and no scores. Stay away at all costs this week, worth a gander in modified PPR leagues”.

This has to stop and it has to stop now! I’m calling on every one of my fantasy brethren, let us take this stand together. United, we will return the butt-fucking and snarky, bullshit attitudes that these “fantasy experts” have been spoon feeding us! Write your Congressmen, call your Senators, (my Italian readers call your Uncles) and make our voices heard! No longer will we stand idly by and let some egotistical dipshit play mind games with us as we try and reset our lineups for the 43rd time that week.

Together we can make a difference.

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