The World is Facing a Crisis

First and foremost, apologies for not posting. I’ve been lazy. I wish I had a better excuse, but I’m just lazy. Yesterday I hit about 600 steps out of my 10,000 on my Fitbit. That’s some supreme laziness. Anyway, back to scheduled programming…

I’ve been known to speak in hyperbole. Often, I take a simple situation and give it some window dressing. Make it a little more interesting than it would be without it. Take a 4, slather it with some makeup and see a hard 7. This time though… This time, it’s different. This isn’t hyperbole. This isn’t different. This isn’t me talking up an issue that really has no validity. We’re facing a fucking crisis, and I refuse to sit by and stand for it.

Give me back my mother fucking plastic straws. 

I don’t know where this whole thing started. Maybe it was self-righteous environmentalists feeling bad while getting their Cold Brew from a Starbucks (for transparency I’m typing this while sitting at a Starbucks.) Maybe it started when people began to circulate the saddest video in the history of the world with the turtle getting a straw pulled from its nose (I’m really killing the internet when I reference a viral video from 2013.) Nonetheless, it was one turtle and one video, I shouldn’t have to drink my drink through a janky lid that’s susceptible to fall off and douse me in my delicious drink at any moment because a turtle got it’s fifteen minutes of fame. Not fair.

If you want to save the environment, that’s a phenomenal thing. You should be able to do your part and make a difference for the future generations. You’re a better person than me. With that in mind, I’ll continue to throw my aluminum cans in the trash. I’ll continue to recycle only when it’s beneficial to my laziness (ie. when the recycling is closer than the garbage.) I’ll also continue to use plastic and paper items to further my laziness, such as plastic flatware because I have an irrational disdain for doing dishes. I promise, my laziness will undo any single individuals effort to conserve, reduce, reuse, and recycle.

My main sticking point with this entire thing is that it should be a choice. I choose to continue to ruin the lives of future generations because of my inability to do things like an adult. I should continue to be able to make that choice. If you don’t grant me that, then expect to see the bill when I inevitably spill every drink I get myself all over my shirt. I want simplicity and routine. I don’t like change.

Give me back my mother fucking plastic straws.

Until I get them back though, I plan to double my efforts to undo the work people do for their children’s children. I’ll be WAY dead by then, so that’s not a ‘me’ problem, it’s a ‘them’ problem.

-Lando.

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