We Are Not As Dumb As You Look, Jason

Jason Witten is a sly dog, I’ll give him that. He found an exit loophole that excuses him from the horrific attempt at being a color commentator without fully admitting how bad it really was. But the fact of the matter is that Mr. Witten is trying to sell us a super shitty bill of goods, here.

Everyone who listened to MNF for more than a quarter, during last season, knows how much of a trainwreck the Witten Experiment was. ESPN was banking on a blue-collar, lovable guy from “America’s Team” to come in and serenade its millions of listeners every week. What we got instead can only be described as drawn out ear rape. It was funny enough, at first, having Witten stumble through a sentence and completely butchering idioms but the act got old quick. Every single broadcast the warzone that is Twitter would come together under one banner, Jason Witten is a bumbling buffoon who was gifted a job he had zero qualification for.

So kudos to you, Jason, for deciding to exit the booth and not continue to put America through the pain. Where my problem lies is with the reasoning that he wants to play football again. BULLSHIT. The Cowboys are not one decrepit Tight End away from running away with it all and winning the big one. You are going into a situation where you’re snaps will be gifted to you, over more athletic and deserving young players, and you’ll be thrown a couple of flat routes in the endzone as feel-good scores. There is no purpose to Jason Witten ending retirement other than his reprieve from the conspiracy investigations into his CPU malfunctioning.

P.S. I can’t wait for ESPN to force Booger to spend another season on the sidelines in his special cart so they can say it wasn’t done in the first place because Boog would have murdered Witten in the booth.

P.P.S. Live look in at Booger hearing the Witten news:

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